When you’re full of fire what’s object of your desire?
The Knife

I//

She woman of Jewish blood, bipolar affective disorder, gay clubs, there is no snow on the top of the mountain, there is a small child in our apartment - I have a tradition. If I feel I’m getting overwhelmed or going to that very moment, I head to the nearest bar and order vodka, pure like mountain spring, like a virgin's tear - one can find any metaphor for this - at least you understand me. That’s the fucking ritual.

- It seems that I do something only because I permanently want to fuck. - I always wanted to be married but never to be someone’s wife.

 - I’ll build an obelisk and put it in the center of the square – there should be written “People are even worse than they seem”. I’ll carve it on the very granite of my brain!

 - Can’t live without guys. An abysmal cunt!

II//Girls Hi honey, I hope you behave badly today? We have an 11-year old girl here in our apartment, can I teach her to jerk off? No one tought me, when I was a child that’s why I’ve become a whore. 

 He invited me there and promised me the fuck of highest quality. Is it worth going?If this reason is enough for you. Do you know any other possible reason?

OMG, there is a authoritarian male in our house! You’d better call Andrjusha, let him make a triptych with K. So you and me at least have time to work… 

 I’m ready to go the whole hog - everything goes just to fuck him! Is it the only thing you are able to think about? Well, yeah, and I’m kinda proud of it.

My heart is tearing apart! Your cunt is tearing apart! I wish it was so… But you’ve had sex only a week ago! I’ve already forgotten what it is! 

 She can’t have an opinion with such a motherfucking face. Either face or opinion – otherwise, what the fuck?!

-Is fisting a cheating? 

-Only if it’s done with love, baby. 

 Do you know charges were pressed against Robert Blunt because he raped his female fan with a clupea? Oh, God, can you imagine – you put guy’s pants off and see a clupea there! 

 My sister gave us presents on Woman’s day – two dildos, both violet! How are we going to tell one from another?

The last time I had sex was in the yard behind the theatre. A very idyllic yard, I should mention. 

 - He said he doesn’t want relationship with me. Only sex – gorgeous, by the way. - Well, there is were the most interesting part starts. Don’t let him You know - So, let’s play with pussy… 

 I want nothing more – just money and sex, but I don’t fucking have even that …

III//love 

 I remember when I was 13, I believed that guys only need sex. Then I grew up and understood it’s far not necessary. And how I’m going to live now wih this knowledge? “To bend like a sinus, to fake every intonation - yes, dear, you’re busy, I see, that’s alright, call me later – but to have in mind: “You are a fucking asshole“. Yes! Yes, by the way, that’s exactly what we think – I recently met a guy who was surprised by that fact – not sure if he is alive yet”. So, there is a situation… I knew of course there is a lot of fucking – a great amount of fucking – I felt weird but that’s exactly what I wanted to see. And here, you see, we have not just fucking – we have a special one. So I jerked his brain. A nice try - fucking special! He can fuck whoever he wants, I’m for it, I know everything but the only special here is me…

Love? And what about love? I’m up with this shit! I know perfectly clear what exactly I wish – I wish to have friends and to fuck. So what? They tell me: “All you need from me is sex!” I can’t get it – who has a clitoris, me or them? 

 And then I learned he doesn’t eat meat. It was the shortest crush in my life. Vegan is a crappy hunter.

 No, no, I don’t like him at all, how could you imagine! I’m going to fuck him out of the antrophological interest. So to say, I explore the world. 

 I want to piss on his face, I want him to burn, I want him to burn alive, OMG, oh, no, I love him so much! Love is the severe thing, you know…

IV//Down 

That’s an incredibly lucky January this year. Everyone is having fun, as well as me, everything is excellent and marvelous. Luba just gave me the thought that it is a feast during plague. I watch and got befuddled, got befuddled and watch. Parties and fucking – the only honest things that has left. Everything else is just scary. I don’t want to belong there. 

 Like, every my story recently starts with: “I got overwhelmed and I started to drink vodka…” 

 I told them – I’m not going to fuck with anyone today, I frigged off at home to prevent it”. So what do you think? In 3 hours we already had threesome in WC!

There was a “kopeika” standing there, and I just broke its windscreen with my heels. God, God, what a hangover I had… 

 Because it’s disgusting! Disgusting and at the same time perfectly normal – like our life itself, fucking hell. They talk about relationship. He tells a story about how he lost his virginity. Somebody breaks dishes in the bar. We are arguing with a waitress because she underfilled the decanter with vodka. M. had 34 men. M. is dancing. She is going to have sex today. She has beautiful legs. “Everyone is dancing with their elbows” is playing. M. is telling me I can’t behave myself like a queen – I feel sick. I sit and drink my vodka quietly - somehow I knew that is how it’s exactly gonna end. Some guy is putting his hand on my knee. Ok, I thought, I’m going to come home in the morning. Everything is so boring – I can’t understand how I was happy with that shit. 

- What is depersonalization? 

-That’s when you don’t feel yourself as yourself. Maybe, just when you are fucking – but not for sure. De-per-so-na-li-sa-tion. Yeah, that’s what it is, my sweety.

-You know, how I’m tired of it: being nice, not to swear in front of children, not to smoke in front of children - Jesus Christ! To cook well, not to quarrel with neighbors, not “go to the fucking hell out from here” but “could you please leave me, I’d like to take a shower”, trying to hide how overwhelmed you are and to make the small talk… I wish I took a shortgun and fucking murdered everyone! 

-I persuade myself for so long that I am a worthless bullshit so I believed it myself. I don’t think someone will love me – how do you think why? “Extreme ways” has a perfectly beautiful text. Because it’s what is missing – if there is nothing, that’s OK, but when it suddenly happens – you can’t imagine how you have lived before that moment. I have a withdrawal syndrome – I have a cold turkey but it seems I can’t create these “extreme ways” myself. And I’m frightened that is going to be plain, and the plainer – the more frightening. I’m frightened of what is happening – vicious circle, fucking vicious circle, and you have no idea how to leave it.

V// Up&Down 

- Hey, yo, what’s up? Have you seen it? O-o-oh, and me, and me recently, so cool, so glad to see you! Oh, let’s buy something to drink, oh, look, I shot it recently, fucking fantastic, isn’t it? Oh, the bar just opposite is open! And you, what’s up? Got you tattoo sleeve? Oops, the meat is burning, where is this bruise from? – Actually, recently I threw a table upside down, beat someone’s face – don’ remember well. - And he told me that someone fucked someone over, wow, you’re so cool, bro. - You are a twister, a hurricane, a tornado. Go fuck yourself, I’m upset… 

-You know, I have a 3 month long intermission. And how it looks like? It’s nice to be alive, to chat with everyone and so on. But, you know, it’s so unusually. *** And right now I’m overwhelmed. At least one permanent thing in this world!

VI// Up 

I will never ever find a job defineitely, I sleep without stop like a bitch! 

This is not just some freaks – there are best people of our city! 

 Sometimes I look in the mirror and think: “I’m so fucking awesome, I would fuck myself…” And then I go and do it!

 I manage my time. Sometimes I even avoid drinking because I know I’m gonna have hangover. (Bursting with hysterical laughter and hiding in the bathroom).

- It was when they were sitting in the kitchen at 5 am, she opened her vein, decanted it into the glass and drank it. - Yeah, they know how to have fun! - No, I’m not gonna fuck you friend, I gonna fuck you. - Well, my friend, form a queue, sons of the bitch! (Girls are leaving).

- I’ve nearly said “fanfuckingtastic fuck” but it’s a tautology. - Fuck that! We are always drinking for fanfuckingtastic fuck! - I’m afraid that I will open my eyes while I’m diving and they will supervene. It doesn’t stop me from opening my eyes but still I’m afraid.

- And then I went to the other end of the city only to break all the dishes there! - I’m afraid to lie in the fridge when I’ll be dead. Imagine – you are lying piecefully with a bunch of corpses around!

VII// My lyrical hero must die because it’s logical. Like – everything’s fine and I kick the bucket during my own birthday party.